Duality. I've been thinking about that word lately. Earlier today I sat up on a hill overlooking fields of golden wheat, golden rod, and bright golden buttercups. I exclaimed to my companions "I feel both old and young. At this moment, I feel both of those things at the same time". Humans are complex and multi-faceted, but we all have dualities that, for better or worse, define us. Working on Shakespeare's, Twelfth Night, I've been exploring the duality of my character, Olivia. She is both a commanding, powerful figure and a sixteen-year-old girl falling in love for the first time. I've also been thinking about Viola and her duality between man and woman. In today's society, we are required to choose one gender or the other. We demand sex-change surgeries, labels, and clearly outlined gender profiles in order to accept someone. We have difficulty with the in-between. And that is why society does not understand Drag Queens. We laugh at them, we marvel at them, we cannot take our eyes off them, but we certainly have never been able to understand them.
Mystique
On Sunday I went to Gulu Gulu Cafe to watch a Drag show with some friends. We sipped lattes, giggled ferociously, and wondered, wide-eyed at the beautiful creatures prancing around in front of us. These are men, dressed as women. They fit no gender and no sexual orientation. They break the rules and that is why I am so utterly fascinated by them. The show was a hot mess of sparkles, tulle, Lady Gaga songs, and lap dances. I see the appeal of designing Drag Queen costumes, nothing is too much, nothing is over-kill. Their make-up was expertly applied, their dresses were skin-tight, and their legs were, lets face it, better than mine. I had fun snapping pictures, asking about outfits, and chatting with women that have more guts than I ever will. This is the kind of journalist I want to be. One that writes about interesting people with stunning clothes, and something to say. These girls are artists that take their work seriously. They perform because they are different and they want people to see it. I am sometimes guilty of hiding my differences away from judgement. I am not as brave as I would like to be. I am not as bold as Mystique. This isn't even about clothes anymore. It's about me.
I just want to be a freak. I want to be fabulous and happy and weird and I don't want to care what anyone thinks of me.
But I do care. And that's why I dress the way I do. That's why my hair is long, and my clothes always beautiful. I have to look perfect all of the time because I care about what people see when they look at me. My major duality is not between man and woman. It's a struggle between what I said above, old and young, vintage and modern, my past and my future. Being home is forcing me to confront both who I was, but also what my life has turned into. I was vain. I spent hours and hours every week dancing in a studio of mirrors, trying to look perfect. Ballet was all I had, and image was all I had. As I've gotten older I've discovered other passions, but the necessity of looking beautiful has always remained. I will never stop trying to look and dress outstandingly, but what I can change, is why I do it. I can look the way I want to for myself, and that's the biggest compromise between old and young, between drag queen and just me, that I'll be able to manage.
I never meant this entry to be so self-indulgent, but this is my blog after all. I'm ok with talking about myself, as long as it makes you, readers, think about something a little differently. So I'll ask some questions. What is your biggest duality? Do you aspire more to one side? Does society aspire you more to one side?
The Drag Queens that inspired this entry belong to a group called The Salem Drag Trails. They perform a show the last Sunday of every month at Gulu Gulu. I highly recommend it. If you go next month, I just might see you there :)
Peace,
Helen
